Thursday, March 29, 2001

Today on Ask Dr Dipper: Why do male dogs lift their legs to pee? Why don't other male animals do this?

1) The habit dogs have of cocking their leg arises from the positioning of their urine projecting equipment. It is thought that the position was chosen by evolution to enhance the ability of the dog to mark their territory without sacrificing mobility in the process as some big cats are forced to do. Unlike animals that must rub scent glands against trees and bushes, the dog simply urinates in such a fashion that if necessary it can start running at the same time.

2) Dogs were (in ancient times) pack predators. Evolution gave them many unique features to assist them in bringing down their natural prey - the 1976 ford Capri. These features included padded feet, a sharp sense of smell, acute black-white vision for low-light hunting, and a moveable bladder.

While running a dog has his bladder slung carefully in a space that facilitates free movement of the hind legs, while at the same time covering the vital organs from attack via the soft underbelly. An assailant ripping into a dog will immediately be sprayed with foul-smelling urine that will mark them as a dog-killer to other dogs who will exact their revenge.

However, in order for urine to exit the dog's body in the normal way the bladder must move. In the process the dog's centre of gravity is altered, and its sense of balance is affected, because the bladder performs a secondary function like the inner ear. In the process they tend to lean to one side, giving their distinctive pose.

A team in Connecticut is looking for ways to remove the need for leaning entirely by fitting dogs with an artificial horizon, activated by the smell of fire hydrants. The horizon will sway away from the norm, fooling the dog into reducing its leaning by a projected 20 degrees. This remarkable device has been hailed by the Republican Senate as "Proof that science holds the key to all our future prosperity."

Mass suicides feared.
Schoolchildren across the UK recoiled in terror when the news that there will NOT be a release of Harry Potter later this year.

Wednesday, March 28, 2001

Today's question on 'Ask Dr Dipper is What makes poop smell Thanks to Tamlan for this 'unique' answer

1) You asked what it is that makes poop smell. This is really two questions, since smell is two things. There is the smell that exists in the chemical sense, then there is the affective experience of the smell.

Poop smells in the chemical sense because it contains a lot of chemicals. These are released in two forms, both gas and in water-borne forms that travel with vapour leaving the poop. The chemicals are those left in the organic material after it has been digested, and added to by the chemicals mixed into the matter by the body itself, combined to a cocktail of chemicals and gases produced by gut bacteria. The latter sources mean that poop smells are relatively consistent within species, while the former accounts for the differences within the species. You will already be familiar with the differences that meals of certain kinds can elicit.

Poop smells in the affective sense that the body recognises the chemicals present in poop as repellent. The reason that it is repellent is that poop is a dangerous substance. Not only are many of the chemicals produced harmful waste products, but poop contains both potentially harmful bacteria and often the eggs of parasites. An animal that avoids faeces will be substantially more healthy than one that does not. Since faeces is dangerous in very small quantities, and is quite smelly, it makes sense for smell to be the primary identifying factor rather than sight or hearing. This is a characteristic that quite clearly has obeyed evolutionary pressure.

2) A long time ago a great king was walking through his land. It was a pleasant time and his subjects (whose poop did not smell) made poop wherever they felt inclined to. It was rather like picking your nose. However, as I say, the king was walking through his land and he trod in a pile of poop that caused him to slip, fall and injure his bum. In his fury he ordered his wizards to place an irrevocable curse on poop so that it would smell really bad. That way it would be more offensive and his subjects would have to do it in certain areas. He also reasoned that one would be able to use smell as an early warning system.

The king's name was Fucknuts and whenever people tread in sh*t it is his name that we remember.

Tuesday, March 27, 2001

My old desktop image was lost when I formatted. Luckily Tuggy was able to find it again
An all_staff email from our Health & Safety officer:

If you would like a hot drink I would recommend you come upstairs. The machine is now infested with ants. I have called in a pest control company and they will arrive tomorrow to work with our vending operator to solve the problem. In the future however, we must try harder to clean up our sticky spills and our crumbs. The ants are only doing what ants do given the right conditions. We must all take responsibility.


Monday, March 26, 2001

A charming customer email:

To the ravers editor, HI
I am one of your regular custom, I have many magazines, I would like to have magazine with hairy girls, but most of your
magazine girls shave and I did enjoy more the magazine with hirsute girl from pologne(Sandra) and I would like to buy
or have more of her photos.
Thank you

Sunday, March 25, 2001

Recipe for a perfect Sunday.
Sleep until 11.30.
Get up. Smoke cig, drink coffee.
Go to Tesco and collect ingrediants for scones. Be amazed at all the other punters doing the same thing.
Bake scones. (first time we've made scones in years)
Apply generous amounts of whipped cream and jam to scone. consume scones.
Turn on recently re-formated PC and be pleased it still works, and that you didn't lose too many files.
Prepare Matrix DVD for viewing pleasure.
Finish recipe.
Watch DVD.