Wednesday, April 11, 2001

SMaL Camera Technologies (617)806-1970

Insert standard boring wanker comment about size doesn't matter, mix in a word or two about the practical nature of a creditcard sized digital camera and you have the recipe for a mind-numbingly dull blog.

What are poodles for?

1) In order to answer this question I was greatly helped by Emily Cain's Poodle History Project.

Historically and genetically, the poodle is of the spaniel family. This group of dogs, that share a rather diminutive breed and a tight wiry coat have been used for many centuries as companions to the aristocracy. In this capacity they travelled to wars, and on the hunt. Poodles specifically show up in many illustrations as slavering fierce creatures, galloping about in front of their masters.
The poodle was chosen in this role firstly for their physical robustness, that combines a compact build with their characteristic coat, making them good outdoors dogs, especially in the wet conditions of Western Europe. Temperamentally, they blend the active aggressiveness of a good hunting dog with companionability and obedience.It is not really clear why and when poodles became the mockeries they are today. It is likely that, as the aristocracy moved to more genteel pursuits, and adopted ornamental airs and graces, they moved their dogs with them. Hardly a just reward for so many years of loyal service. What is certain is that the poodles coat - which for many years helped them go into water after downed birds - was also capable of taking on elaborate shapes if treated in the 'continental' fashion and cut into what are known as pom-poms.
To repeat, poodles are for war and hunting. We misuse them as ambulatory topiary displays.

2) Throughout man's development, his progress has been marked by his use of implements and tools. Starting with the use of fire, stone, and bubblegum we progressed through bronze, iron, and steel, until reaching our present silicon age.

However, a little know offshoot of the technological tree came with the now extinct Holeolithiticus man. Holeolithiticus man roamed the pre-cambrian era, and employed animals as tools. most ubiquitous of all these utensil creatures was the primitive poodle. Here you can see a picture of one of these poodles, reconstructed by five year olds. The poodle's operating handles are clearly visible.

Holeolithiticus, while undoubtedly 'green' in his use of innocent creatures to keep from doing simple chores, was - apart from a few notable examples, like parrot ansaphones, and hedgehog toilet paper - entirely unsuccessful in his exploitation. The last Holeolithitic man is believe to have been killed in a fight with the main evolutionary branch of man who was armed with a branch. The holeolithitic man in question was found clutching a butterfly in an aggressive fashion.

Regrettably for the poodle, his long domestication could not be erased from its genetic inheritance. So long had it been that they willing put up with any and all indignities

As can be seen above, the hapless poodle can be used as vacuum cleaner and as a stenographer. Poodles' facility with the human language extnded totheir use as lookouts when (in 1983) Ronald Reagan initiated a "Look to the Swamps" alert for alligators. He apparently suspected Jesse Helms of being alligator, after they had a conversation in the Senate washrooms. Helms' chance remark that his "Momma liked gingham" eventually cost the American taxpayer 70 billion dollars, and more than thirty-thousand poodle lives.

+poodle lookout, Florida+

The poodle's selfless sacrifice later lead to a British attempt to launch poodles at the former Soviet Union.

+Poodle ramp+

The attempt was undone, because while they have many excellent qualities, poodles cannot run the necessary 1600 miles an hour up a vertical surface.The most common use of poodles is as a means of dusting skirting boards.
Interestingly, there have been reports through the ages of poodles being far more than an instrument of man's desire to control his universe. it may even be that they are the ones using us to shape theirs.The African National Congress have refused to comment.

Tuesday, April 10, 2001

Dr Dipper,

If male nipples are due to our asexual past, how come they exist only in mammals? if we do have an asexual ancestry, this would have occured over 1 billion years ago, in the most basic forms of life before mammals even existed. Surely male nipples are rather the result of an embryonic process, where the embryo is initially sexually dimorphic, and not really an issue in natural selection at all?

Thank you for your query.

1) You have really asked two questions. In answer to the first -since no other animal types suckle their young they have no need of nipples. In answer to the second, yes the development of nipples is a consequence of embryonic dimorphism. However, the existence of this dimorphism is a consequence of the evolutionary pressures previously discussed.

2) In answer to your question, only mammals of all species are susceptible to advertising. Who could fail to remember the "stop biting us you bastards" drive against mosquitoes. Hence, no other species wear nipples.

The wearing of nipples occurs only after after parturition. No-one would be insane enough to try and install nipples while the foetus was still in the womb. You pervert.

Dr Dipper