Wednesday, August 22, 2001


> Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
>
> COURTESY FLUSH:
>
> The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the dump hits
> the water and the dump is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
> reduces the amount of air time the dump has to stink up the bathroom. This
> can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> WALK OF SHAME:
>
> Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
> stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment someone
> walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
> smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESYFLUSH.
>
> OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER:
>
> A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
> an Out of the Closet dumper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
> magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE
> CLOSET DUMPER before entering the bathroom.
>
> ESCAPEE:
>
> A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump
> in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flush you receive when
> passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
> acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
> farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an
> escapee. It's uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
> makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
> JAILBREAK:
>
> (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a dump, several farts
> slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of a
> hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until
> everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
> what just occurred.
>
> SAFE HAVEN:
>
> A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
> expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
> This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
> THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN):
>
> This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
> dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
> whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET dumpers and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
> TURD BURGLAR:
>
> A dumper who does not realise that you're in the stall and tries to force
> the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
> that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
> until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
> eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been known to cause premature pinchage,
> which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.
>
> WATERMELON:
>
> A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
> also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create
> a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
> ASTAIRE:
>
> This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS
> that you occupy a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
> occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
> dumper can dump in peace.
>
> CAMO-COUGH:
>
> A phoney cough, which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
> are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert
> potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
> ASTAIRE.
>
> HAVANA OMELETTE:
>
> A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
> water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
> ASTAIRE.
>
> UNCLE TED:
>
> A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
> lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
> makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
> wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
> well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
> FLY BY:
>
> The act of scouting out a bathroom before dumping. Walk in and check for
> other dumpers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
> again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
> suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.