Ra Ra Rant

2001-10-14T15:37:00.000Z

I killed a spider so damn large that blood and guts splattered out. It was gut-wrenchingly gross. A horrid cremey-gray colour.
Ick.

2001-10-10T11:16:00.000Z

>A bus station is where a bus stops.
>
>
>
>A train station is where a train stops.
>
>
>
>On my desk, I have a work station.................

2001-10-09T12:03:00.000Z

Its official, I'm now a Jedi.

2001-10-09T10:25:00.000Z

PimpHats.com Get Your Hat Size Here

2001-10-09T09:20:00.000Z

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you as an individual who has expressed concern regarding wildlife issues and contributor to charity. At this moment HM Customs and Excise have two shipments of Siberian husky puppies, numbering nearly forty. These puppies came in on a plane six weeks ago, and in the interim the company that was trying to import them went into receivership. This means that the puppies have no owners, and no forward destination.

If they remain in the UK they will have to be killed in another three weeks.

My own involvement is as a translator who had done work for the firm and was involved in negotiations with the staff. I do however have contacts at the storage facility who could sign out the puppies provided they were going to a legitimate 'holding company' in another country. However, this would require no small sum of money to pay for transport and costs so far to be picked up. I do not have such a sum, but am told that you might have cash or other facilities that could be made available to us.

Please do not tell anyone of this possibility as it is strictly speaking illegal to transfer ownership of live goods that are under dispute. My contacts in customs would get into trouble, I might have difficulty working again, and it would jeopardise all hope of securing their future. Respond only to this email address, as it gives no indication of who else is involved or the specifics of the shipment in question.

I hope that your motivation will be to avoid the senseless destruction of so many innocent animals. The Siberian husky is an extremely attractive and loyal breed, hardy in cold weather, and we are all angry at the prospect of bureaucracy destroying them. However, I can reassure you that when the puppies are sold on, they are likely to return at least four times the costs of handling them. Any contribution you make would be returned to at least this figure.

Yours,

A Fraudster.

2001-09-27T09:54:00.000Z

Subject: [CF] The net closes in.

News Just In: Irish police have surronded a Marks and Spencers store in
Dublin.

They are acting Intelligence reports that Summer Bed Linen is on the second
floor.

(apologies to no-one that finds this offensive.)

2001-09-21T14:31:00.000Z

Error 403.1415952 funny. ripped from Lukelog

2001-09-21T14:09:00.000Z

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION - (Japan Version) Yesterday I had an epiphany: no matter how tough or intimidating any Japanese person looks, they still wear slippers inside the house.

2001-09-21T13:30:00.000Z

So You Want To learn Japanese...

2001-09-20T10:44:00.000Z

Ananova - Bomb Afghanistan with pork fat, says Thai MP

2001-09-20T07:45:00.000Z

BBC - Nature - Blue Planet . What an awesome show. Full of the wierdest looking fishies I've ever seen. (except perhaps for Aunt Pat). Definately a must see if you're at all into strange beasties.

2001-09-18T08:27:00.000Z

AlterNet -- The Racism of American Warmongering But rather, because the folks who are so quick to collectivize the responsibility and the payback when the perps are dark-skinned or "foreign," are just as quick not to do so when white boys are the ones committing mass murder or engaging in terroristic activities. In the wake of Oklahoma City, none of the people who are now calling for war against Afghanistan even suggested targeting white supremacist groups and militias for destruction, let alone bombing the cornfields of "middle America" in the hopes of taking out a few anti-government types.

2001-09-18T07:36:00.000Z

You know its been a difficult morning at work when you see 6 coffee cups on the MDs desk.

2001-09-17T07:56:00.000Z

7 Days of pure Platinum club fun. Woopwoop, got our holiday booked on Saturday, cost 50% of the normal price (£500 for 2).
Backoffice at work still hasn't recovered. fingers crossed and I's dotted.

2001-09-13T17:29:00.000Z

American Red Cross - National Disaster Relief Fund Donation
get your creditcard out and donate, godammit. Just freaking do it before I come over there and open a can of whoop-ass over you.

2001-09-13T17:07:00.000Z

Silent. respect.

2001-09-05T15:18:00.000Z

Captains Log: Oak.

2001-09-03T08:18:00.000Z

Huge flood at work last Thursday night. Our lights managed to fall from the ceiling, injuring no-one luckily. After an ickle shuffle around things are pretty much back to normal. (which naturally include the tremendous lack of staff!)
Farewell drinkies this friday for the nightshift staff and Lloydster. big huggles and sorries to see ya's escape.

2001-08-22T10:03:00.000Z

> Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
>
> COURTESY FLUSH:
>
> The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the dump hits
> the water and the dump is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
> reduces the amount of air time the dump has to stink up the bathroom. This
> can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> WALK OF SHAME:
>
> Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
> stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment someone
> walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
> smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESYFLUSH.
>
> OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER:
>
> A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
> an Out of the Closet dumper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
> magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE
> CLOSET DUMPER before entering the bathroom.
>
> ESCAPEE:
>
> A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump
> in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flush you receive when
> passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
> acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
> farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an
> escapee. It's uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
> makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
> JAILBREAK:
>
> (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a dump, several farts
> slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of a
> hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until
> everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
> what just occurred.
>
> SAFE HAVEN:
>
> A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
> expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
> This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
> THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN):
>
> This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
> dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
> whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET dumpers and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
> TURD BURGLAR:
>
> A dumper who does not realise that you're in the stall and tries to force
> the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
> that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
> until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
> eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been known to cause premature pinchage,
> which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.
>
> WATERMELON:
>
> A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
> also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create
> a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
> ASTAIRE:
>
> This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS
> that you occupy a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
> occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
> dumper can dump in peace.
>
> CAMO-COUGH:
>
> A phoney cough, which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
> are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert
> potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
> ASTAIRE.
>
> HAVANA OMELETTE:
>
> A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
> water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
> ASTAIRE.
>
> UNCLE TED:
>
> A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
> lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
> makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
> wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
> well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
> FLY BY:
>
> The act of scouting out a bathroom before dumping. Walk in and check for
> other dumpers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
> again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
> suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

2001-08-16T14:44:00.000Z

I'm still alive. Apologies for lack of updates. Pleased to report that we'll shortly have a phone and cablemodem installed at home, so I can once again amaze, delight and titilate to my hearts content.

WIBBLE

2001-07-27T15:01:00.000Z

SURV!VOR-SUCKS - TRUST NAN (tee-hee!)

2001-07-26T11:36:00.000Z

FAZED dot NET - I can be the flow and you can be the ebb. (Not a bad alternative to Memepool)

2001-07-23T10:39:00.000Z

just heard on the news, some woman who cooked her cat in the microwave because one of its fleas bit her, just received 200 hours of community service and was banned from keeping animals for five years.
I say at least a public flailing was needed.

2001-07-20T11:47:00.000Z

Horny customer email of the week:

Hello,

Thought I'd tell you the magazine 'Ravers' has gone up in price to £2.75
recently.

Can you tell me why some magazines are not catered for on your site, titles
like 'Leg Sex' are not available? Other titles like 'Two Blue Couples' are
the first legal adult magazines than can be sold in a newsagents to include
penetration, which could be a good seller for you.

Finally, please inform me why many of your stores do not stock pornographic
magazines. As long as they are legal and prohibited to those below the
required age, what is the problem? Your store adds to the stigma of
pornography, when it could promote a wider acceptance of the genre and
promote mutual inclusivity.

Thanks,

Jim

2001-07-16T15:20:00.000Z

You suddenly feel confused and think to yourself - 'This isn't the weblog I'm looking for'

2001-07-16T07:55:00.000Z

Thief faq

2001-07-13T13:01:00.000Z

2 atoms were sitting in the pub. one was looking glum, so his mate asked 'wassup mate?'.
t'other replied, 'aw its nuttin - just feeling a bit down. I think I've lost an electron'.
other replied 'aw geez mate, are you sure ?'
'yeah, I'm positive.'

2001-07-13T10:01:00.000Z

Blueruin apologizes for not updating. I wonder why people (blooger people that is) do that so often. Why feel guilty for this? Its your blog and you'll not update if ye want to. I ain't been blogging much lately, we still don't have a bloody phone at the new flat yet (cusses at NTL and their utter bullshit excuses), I've been swamped at work dealing with fraud attempts by utter mung-nuts, and actually am enjoying my ickle blog holiday. If I got over 12 visitors per day I might start to feel a tiny bit guilty but heck I don't blog for you, I blog for us both.
anywayz, tgif 13th.

2001-07-10T10:09:00.000Z

BBC News | HEALTH | Eggs fertilised without sperm scary scary scary

2001-07-06T11:52:00.000Z

For those travelling through the Oxfordshire region, take note:

Be careful !!

Thames Valley Police are mounting a 6 month speeding campaign (starting 1st July), on M40, M4 and A34. They have been equipped with the following unmarked vehicles-

BMW 535I, 1 Silver & 1 Dark Green
Seat Cordoba 2.0 VTI in Silver
Vectra 2.5 SRI - 1 Black & 1 Red
Omega 3.0 SRI - 1 Burgundy
Volvo S40 T4 - 1 Red
Volvo S70 - 1 White
VW Bora 2.3 VTI - Red
VW Passat VR6 - Silver

They will also be using a helicopter between Junctions 4 and 8/9 of the M4 from next Monday for a 2 week period, plus additional mobile speed cameras on Bridges around Maidenhead and Slough Junctions.

Please pass this on.

2001-07-04T07:39:00.000Z

Teaspoon stealers should be publically flailed with a flail of flailing.

2001-07-03T15:09:00.000Z

Oh my god. For a moment there I thought I'd discovered a third nipple.

2001-07-02T08:50:00.000Z

2001-07-02T08:01:00.000Z

++Begin Rant++
Everyone deserves to have a fun 21st. But turning 21 does not give you the right to sing Steps songs repeatedly in a yobbish manner whilst interrupting yourself every 5mins for a good bit of door slamming.
We were subjected to this hell on Friday night as our next door neighbours celebrated until the early hours and managed to keep the entire block awake whilst at it.
"Aw fucking hell maaaaate, its light outside!" was heard at 5am as some of the revellers left for their own homes. This behaviour failed to impressed us, and when it started up again on Saturday night a pretty angry Rachel went and knocked on the (open) front door, only to see a girl in her early 20's sitting on the couch smashed to bits and not batting an eyelid at the appearance of a stranger at her front door. Rachel had to ask her to get someone who was capable of talking to come to front door, so she yelled out 'DEREK COME TO THE FRONT DOOOOR!!". Derek soon appeared looking somewhat sheepish and got a stern telling off from the Wife who was assured there would be no repeat performance that night. They came close the buggers, but were much better behaved and we actually managed to get some sleep.
We're still net-less whilst awaiting a visit from an NTL engineer. According to the National Geographic, these strange elusive creatures have been reported in a half dozen locations throughout the UK but noone has managed to obtain photographic proof of their existance. I'm quite prepared to wait another few days but after that will be planning my kidnap and hostage taking of as many NTL sales staff I can manage. (NTL engineers are reputed to be addicted to sales-staff sweetbreads).
++Transmission Ends++

2001-06-24T16:00:00.000Z

We've successfully moved flats, saving ourselves 300quid per month for a sacrifice of living in a much smaller space. Currently have no phone line but it looks likely that NTL cable can be installed. Could be a go'er but I've no idea how good the service is so I'm off to newsgroups for some subscriber gossip. Bloody glorious day and I'm sitting at work doing some OT. Grumble.

2001-06-19T08:41:00.000Z

Join the fight against stomping neighbours. Just say NO

2001-06-18T09:20:00.000Z

You know its a Monday when you arrive at work and are welcomed by 750 unread emails in your inbox complaining about credit card auth failures.

2001-06-17T22:21:00.000Z

Flashforward2001 New York City. Hmmm. some very nice flash stuff featured amongst a carefully selected field of corn smothered in a ice-fresh sorbet and topped with a crisp assortment of mung-nuts. Found by

2001-06-17T18:51:00.000Z

Period and Style for Designers

2001-06-15T14:05:00.000Z

BBC News :Square fruit stuns Japanese shoppers. Ok, this is rully rully like kewl man. I can't wait until they invent a Booby shaped Banana. *grin*

2001-06-13T09:53:00.000Z

I guess one day Echelon will start spidering through websites. Hi Echelon :)

missile surveillance president communist jane fonda encryption telephone agent code monitor R. James Woolsey NSA washington post

2001-06-13T07:38:00.000Z

Its time for the world famous 'Guess that Book' puzzle.

Welcome to enter BOL China (the shell Tass graceful on-line China)

The Harley - baud and the flame cup (75 folds) (the Harley - baud fourth edits)
Author: J.K. Luo Lin & nbsp
Initial cost: 39.80 Yuan
Fixed price: 29.80 Yuan
440 pages | People's Literature Press | In 2001 publishes

" The Harley - baud and secret room ", " the Harley - baud and evil spirit law stone ", " the Harley - baud with Arab League this card class's convict " in the main page “Á˜Á the book column warm offer, will ask respectfully to pay attention!
In fourth edits, the Harley - baud undergoes three years study in è·Ši the live tribulus evil spirit law school and the tempering, the gradual growth is one outstanding sorcerer. Before the new school year of start, Harley watches the splendid Š@ wonderful world cup match, had no intention between to discover vanished 13 year black evil spirits marks. All sorts of hidden murderous intentions mystical event Harley one step by step will push to bends down the evil spirit evil clutches. Harley longs for in is rare three strongly strives for hegemony in the match defeats oneself, who knows the entire competition unexpectedly is one huge black evil spirit law plot...

Have ypu got it? Its Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
*shudder*

2001-06-10T21:34:00.000Z

According to Political Compass I'm Economic Left/Right -3.27 and Authoritarian/Libertarian -4.61. What does this mean? You'll have to go try for yourself, by clicking here. Rachel scored pretty similar to me at 0.20, -3.40. The test only takes a few mins and its worth it if only to compare how close you are to Ghandi or Thatcher. (link found from Pete @ wackybrit

2001-06-08T08:10:00.000Z

So I was in Windsor yesterday and had a giggle at being let through the police barriers after explaining I was late for a meeting, and they then turned down Margaret from Head Office asking her to MOVE away. Windsor was bleddy lovely. Procalls head office was literally on the doorstep of the Castle, so we got to enjoy the changing of the Guard whilst matters of an Xmas theme. Yep, we're planning this years Xmas catalogue already. *fear*
And then I heard from John M this morning that he met the bloody Queen on Tuesday!!!! No shit. He was a Commonwealth thingybob meeting and was utterly stunned when the Queen strolled in with her two ladys-in-waiting and promptly did a tour of the room and chatted to the lovely JM for a whole 2 minutes.

A big FARK AFF to Tony for forgetting where I was yesterday and coming close to sending in the bulldogs. Diiiiiiiiiiiiick ed.

2001-06-06T15:49:00.000Z

Just added a 'chat to me' button. cheers to Marcia @ dutchbint for providing the inspiration. Ironically I am out of the office all day tomorrow so I won't get to chat to all the crazy nutbars out there

2001-06-06T14:46:00.000Z

In which Robbie gets over his bad patch and tiredness (malaise but I can't spell it let aloe be enough of a prat to use that word) and gets back to work and not thinking too much about stuff.

2001-06-06T11:19:00.000Z

how 2 vote . co . uk
If you'e not yet sure who to vote for try this site. Or you could just crawl into a dank hole and wither.

2001-06-06T11:03:00.000Z

evil evil evil atari babi you looked so good you looked so fine cheese cheese aol forums spammer lEEt firewall apologies ho asl?

2001-06-04T09:56:00.000Z

Doritos Vending Machine price crash! Could it be a mistake or is it a gift from the Vending Machine Gods ? The formerly shlock hammering price per parcket of 37p is now a Pup Hungry 30 of your eager English pence. (fascinating fact - 30p/packet, with an average 25 crisp pieces per packet, giving us a cost per piece of only 1.2 pence. Given that the mung munching crisp packet takes a brief 75secs to digest, making that only 3 seconds per 1.2 worth of Doritos.

2001-06-03T16:32:00.000Z

Pete works for the online div of Waterstones, who aren't going very well at the moment, much the same as ourselves. I think we should get together and start our own business. It will have a unique perspective, we'll sell things at a profit. I know I know, sounds crazy but my inner self tells me its the sensible choice ;)

2001-06-01T15:43:00.000Z

Goddam thats cute!
link leeched from my 2p

2001-06-01T13:47:00.000Z

2.5 hrs until weekend and I'm asking colleagues if they have a bottle opener on them. The bottle'o'red from tesco is looking a little bit too inviting.
*sigh*
What a week. Nadia left yesterday. Wayne handed in his notice yesterday. Pete will hand his in on Monday.

Our company has cancer.

Somebody set us up the charity.

2001-05-31T16:03:00.000Z

Blogjam is run by a Kiwi living in London working for an e-commerce company. Whereas I'm a Kiwi living in Oxford working for a clicks&mortar company. But none of this is to be mentioned should Interpol get in touch with you. :)

2001-05-30T17:20:00.000Z

Apologies to Lizmans, we finally got a look at the flat and all going well will sign on the dotted line tomorrow. Whoop! Yeap, we're pretty darn chuffed with ourselves. A saving of 305 quid on our current rent. Give it two years of living in the most smallest flat in the British Empire and we've got ourselves a pretty decent sized deposit.
The only downside is the space, or lack of it. We looked at two ground flat studio flats. The first had a single bed and we laughed at the estate agent when she told us it was possible to fit a double in the room. I honestly wouldve staked a tenner on that and lost. We went to the next flat and saw what the trick was, the guy had put a sliding door in the bedroom just so he could his bed in! There'll be no hiding from my farts anymore. Muahahaha.
We are going to be enforced minimalists. Junk junk junk. Its pretty impossible to avoid 'stuff' after getting married so we'll definately we storing some assorted crap at Rachels Mums. (why oh why can't we just upload it to my website?) I've just enjoyed throwing out 3 bin bags of mostly computer-related junk, along with the most horrid uniform I ever had to wear, my Cotswold Lodge Porters kit. glad to see the last of that hideous creation.
So, all in all, twas a good day :)

2001-05-30T10:24:00.000Z

Snack machine update. Doritos Tangy Cheese flavour has been added. (Horrah). However, they are 10 of your english pence more expensive than the inferior Walkers Crisps. I for one am willing to pay this outrageous price (37p, or a whopping increase of 10p on the standard size, making this a 27% increase.) for the benefit of improved taste and texture. But I fear that staff may soon be in revolt. If you don't hear from me before 5pm today please call the Cops.

2001-05-30T09:44:00.000Z

"do you know a Noone in editorial?" asks Nadia.
"Nope, don't know anyone called that" replies Robbie.... "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I asked Dave if he knew who was looking after Gareths stuff while he was on holiday, and he replied saying that Noone was looking after it"

Yup, true story. just happened. If you fail to see the comedy in this then click here until you can't click no more.

2001-05-30T08:53:00.000Z

Estate agents. Love or hate em, I personally think they a bunch of useless eejits that society has little choice but to shrug and accept for what little good they do provide. Yesterday we booked for a viewing of two apartments with Lizmans Courts. The properties were the cheapest we've ever seen in Oxford, one for £420 and another at £460. We're currently paying £725 for a 2 b/r house so obviously the savings would come in more than useful. These properties were only advertised for the first time on friday and we booked a late afternoon slot for viewing yesterday. Nevermind the fact that we wer already on Lizmans waiting list and that they had failed to tell us of these properties, what bothers us is that both were 'sold' before our viewing and we weren't even called to let us know. Rach called just before we left for the viewing and we were then made aware both were gone. 'No problem we thought, can we just see what they were like anyway? 'Sure, no problem' said Lizmans. They failed to turn up at all.
'Oh, been a bit of a mixup' said Lizmans when we called. They then had the cheek to say 'But both are already signed up anyway'. Makes you wonder what they do to earn their 15% of the rent.

Special thanks to Bernice, Tamland and Richard who took pity on us and took us out for a beer after the estates agent mess.
estates agents are evil

2001-05-27T01:53:00.000Z

ISpyValue.com. enter your postcode and this clever site will throw out the cheapest petrol stations in your area. I think they should do one for cyclists - enter postcode and it spits out a map of emergency clinics. be esp. useful for Oxfordites.

2001-05-26T14:32:00.000Z

Nice tits

2001-05-26T12:11:00.000Z

BBC News | EUROPE | Russia arrests 'grandfather of cybercrime'

2001-05-26T11:23:00.000Z

+beep++beep+

2001-05-22T11:21:00.000Z

chris raettig - personal website
Chris makes ome damn good points about the nature of the evil beast we call television.

2001-05-21T18:29:00.000Z

7.05pm Monday. Brit survivor started tonight. first thoughts of the contestants....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marooned 40 days and 40 nights. thats approximately 80 shits in the jungle each. (assuming contestants affected by the soft-pooh syndrome)

Day 1. Marooned. Island. Sea. Boats. gear. a host with permanently bad hair. an axe. a machete.
Challenge 1. rafts and fire-starting. what a combo. Ular thought they had won but they were disqualified for not lighting all required torches. Poor bubba's were gutted.

Nick gets voted off the Island. One of the reasons given was "He doesn't say 'please', He doesn't say 'thank you'". I'm glad those kind folk play no part in my life.

Helang (Eagle)yellow team.

Charlotte - former beauty queen. (miss cardiff. laff). now a DC, detective constable. seems pretty sensible. doesn't take shit. don't like her eyebrows. luxury item = game of twister. (screw trademarks).

James. 40. Londoner. property developer. doesn't like insects.

Uzma. 30. Bradford. nasal hair

Andy. 31. Long-haul pilot and former RAF. pretty tough dude, former survival expert. wants to for, early alliances.

Adrian. 22. Barristers Clerk. in it for the money. doesn't like snakes, rats or jelly fish. will buy a car if wins.

Jayne. 47. massage therapist & alterntative therapy chick. rather spiritual Probably get her butt kicked. Her group is already starting to dislike her. Seems a bit headstrong.

Simon. 31. Financial Sales manager and former pro footie. competitive. thinks he will piss people off

J.J. 37. P.A. ran military prison in Falklands. can be bossy. we'll see. impatient.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ular (snake) blue group.

Sarah. 33. Model (looks like a horse). big teeth

Mick. 55. retired copper. bald and wears a stupid bandana. (hmm. I've never seen a bandana I didn't think was stupid though)

Eve. 30. served in Bosnia. bomb disposal officer. Now a Project Manager. seems a bit nice.

Pete. 30. He's single and a model. christian. wanker.

Zoe. 30ish. bar worker. studied drama and shit. never killed her own food before.

Richard. 33. cardiff. research fellow. shrink, but afraid to admit it. not interested in the money. (bollocks)

Nick. 33. spent 10yrs in Navy. now does survival team building shit. drugs company manager? boggle. looks like a dork but isn't. will try and blend in. luxury item - razor.

Jackie. 31 Airline buyer. boring. will miss cleanliness. no shit sherlock.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2001-05-21T14:24:00.000Z

Federal Criminal Defense Attorney - Douglas C. McNabb
When the FBI comes calling...

2001-05-21T13:45:00.000Z

Seems we upset this punter...

I considered you a close friend and XXXXXX like my second home, but now, you have upset both me and my family and my cousins and my friends and my neighbours. I shall be printing this email out and distrubuting to all web sites and the press.

I shall no longet set one foot in your shops ever again, I shall now be shopping at Woolworths, having spent over 56 pounds on DVDs I believe woolworths will value my custom more then you and your customer services deperment will.

Your long time friend and unhappy customer
Randeep.

2001-05-18T08:20:00.000Z

the5k.org : winners
definately worth a look. just go with me on this. tgif

2001-05-17T10:23:00.000Z

The Brunching Shuttlecocks | Toys | Porn Star or My Little Pony?

2001-05-16T15:43:00.000Z

pretty damn funny collection of road signs.

2001-05-16T08:38:00.000Z

I've decided to start another blog just for my ever expanding collection of 3d stuff. This is hopefully going to solve the problem with the number of times I find something cool, add it to my bookmarks and then never visit it again because I can't remember what the site title or bookmark description was. Why are Bookmarks so useless? Because they don't bloody work well. They don't jog your memory.
This is its location.

2001-05-16T07:44:00.000Z

Anyone else get this email from

2001-05-15T13:04:00.000Z

Spankies. the love sock for men. If I was a teenager this would come in handy. Probably we tricky convincing my Mum to put it through the wash.
Ewwww. Gross.

2001-05-15T07:32:00.000Z

A Irish man has been found guilty of putting a rival sandwich-maker's name and telephone number on a prostitution Web site in the country's first Internet libel case.

2001-05-14T09:28:00.000Z

Visited Bournmouth for the first time on Saturday. What a fabulously decent place it was too. Managed to get ourselves pretty sunburnt too, which was a treat. Spent a few hours on the beach watching life go by. Saw a pretty bad scooter accident too. Two chaps wearing shorts & tshirts were badly knocked off when they undercut a bus and got skittled by a car. Then there was a chap on the beach who suffered a fit of some kind due to the heat. Medical emergencies a go-go! Bournmouth beach and pleasure gardens are definately worth a visit on any summery day. Only takes a couple of hours to drive from Oxford (get tanned on the way :), its simple to find the beach and park (A rare and welcome treat) and wasn't even approaching overcrowded. (unless you wanted an ice-cream, in which case bookings for July next year are now being taken)
We were most adventurous and even took a disposable BBQ to the pleasure gardens. Unfortunately it was spoilt somewhat by a combination of the bacon putting it out, yobos riding bikes and idiots deciding to start a footy game right next to us. Bleh to them.

Special hello to the day-off Princess. Hope the cakes are going well :)

2001-05-13T16:40:00.000Z

"The Terrible Secret of Space" | JonathonRobinson.com

2001-05-13T15:46:00.000Z

RUSTBOY documents the creation of a short animated film by Brian Taylor. He uses only modest software, but creates stunning images. Heres the star himself, rustboy.

2001-05-11T14:49:00.000Z

Find A Grave Search Results
strangely enough,findagrave most popular search request has this bloke at number one:

Walters, Larry "Lawn Chair Pilot" b. April 19, 1949. d. October 6, 1993.

Tied 45 weather ballons to a lawn chair and went for a ride with his beer and his pellet gun. Unfortunately, he ended up at Los Angeles International Airport and had to be rescued by helicopter. He was arrested for violating LAX airspace. Why did he do it? "A man can't just sit around." Forest Lawn (Hollywood Hills), Los Angeles, California, USA.Specific Interment Location: Columbarium of Valor. GPS coordinates: 34.14924, -118.32017 (hddd.dddd)
Cause of Death: Suicide. He shot himself in the heart.

2001-05-11T14:38:00.000Z

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs

2001-05-11T14:37:00.000Z

Yeah we've all seen pictures of Barbie enjoying special cuddles, but this is the first that really captures the essense of a damn good bonk.

2001-05-10T08:02:00.000Z

The Automatic E/N Web Site

this site is an 'automatic' weblog. Its pretty cleva, it that it harvests snippets from all sorts of different sites on the net and comes up with what appears to be a genuine weblog. each link is random, the contact info is random. Pretty good way of taking the piss out of the boring blog standard weblogs. Sadly they don't include a 'what am I listening/reading/feeling/eating' type list, which has always bothered me no end. I guess people get some form of inspiration reading others tastes in books, music and whathaveyou.

2001-05-10T07:54:00.000Z

Secret

I have an office secret to reveal. Theres this publishing firm across the road from work. Sometimes during my morning ciggy I get to see a bloke zipping around on forklift. (the ones that make the COOL electric whirring noises). My secret is that sometimes I fantasize about offering the bloke the fiver if he lets have a whirl on the forklift. I like that forklift. Its my kind of thang.
(special note to forklift enthusiasts: I'm not that keen on them. Please don't send me links. Please?)

2001-05-10T07:42:00.000Z

"The Terrible Secret of Space" | JonathonRobinson.com.

Really excellent flash music anim. chuckle-tastic mates. (flash required. brain required. sense of humour mandatory. free time to download and view movie mandatory. Clothing optional. Sense of style & good taste preferred. Internet connection and fully functioning browser recommended. Not available in your area. 470878765% state tax applies. Offer not valid at all. Turn back before its too late. Time for a coffee and ciggy.

2001-05-10T07:31:00.000Z

BBQ
First BBQ of the year last night! Was hosted by the ever-mung crunching Dr Dipper & Co. As usual the men did the manly duties of collecting wood & fuels. As usual the men did try and boss the bbq, but as soon as we came close to commiting manslaughter via food poisoning the woman took over. Much fun was had even though the weather wasn't as nice as we hoped for. I was kinda wishing that there would have been a knock on the door from Political party canvassers (they taste great with Olive oil) but they don't seem to have penetrated that far into Jericho yet.
Looking forward to many more BBQs throughout the summer.

2001-05-08T10:47:00.000Z

For Andi - Spam Page

2001-05-08T07:45:00.000Z

Good Vibrations - National Masturbation Month

The things you find whilst deleting emails.

2001-05-07T21:21:00.001Z

2001-05-07T21:21:00.000Z

2001-05-07T15:42:00.000Z

big scare with the pc yesterday. I guess it likes to keep me on my toes. I was surfing away happily when all of a sudden a box pops up saying 'failed to write to drive C:'
Windoze promptly crashed and on reboot I appeared to missing a harddrive. Yup, even the motherboard failed to recognise it. I was in a philisophical mood and managed to not utter a single cuss word. Several attempts produced nothing, so I stripped down the PC all ready for a new hdd. But, luck of the Irish strikes and it was all going again this morning. Prolly just a dodgy cable or summit. fingers crossed and on I went, quickly trying to backup as much as stuff as possible in case te drive really did pack up and leave for the Bahamas. My cd-writer was never reliable from day one, so I cant say I was surprised when I'd failed to burn a cd after an hour of trying. Then windows decides 'fuck you' and promptly forgets that I have an internal drive! jeezuz. what an utter pisstake. I tried booting up with super-stable win2k but it was also failing to detect the CD. Ok, ok ok ok you win. I gave up, ran a virus checker etc but no luck. Finally I pulled out the USB cable to my cd-writer and that solved the problem.
Anywayz, woo the bank holiday weekend!!!! yeap, ain't nuttin better than waking up sleepy on Monday morning and promptly farting before turning over to get the sleep YOU deserve.
We made some dandelion wine over the weekend. Bloody easy it was too. Heh, it was slightly embarrassing pinching the neighbours flowers though.

2001-05-02T12:14:00.000Z

Software Problems

> >> > My friend is having trouble with his system.
> >> > Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking
> >> > Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble.
> >> > However,apparently there are conflicts between these
> >> > two systems,the only solution was to try and run
> >> > Girlfriend with the sound turned off.
> >> >
> >> > But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is
> >> > incompatible with several other applications, such as;
> >> > Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.
> >> > Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no
> >> > better,Girlfriend 3.0 has many Bugs and left a virus
> >> > in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for
> >> > several weeks. Eventually he tried installing
> >> > girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to
> >> > discover when these two systems detected each other
> >> > they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
> >> >
> >> > Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to
> >> > discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid
> >> > upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses
> >> > up all available resources,it does come bundled with
> >> > FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.
> >> >
> >> > But imagine my friends disappointment though on
> >> > discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to
> >> > maintain,and any mistakes he makes are automatically
> >> > stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted
> >> > they then re-surface months later. Wife 1 also has an
> >> > automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail
> >> > Porn Filter.

2001-05-02T08:23:00.000Z

Progress on the 3d projects. This model was born on Sunday
.

2001-05-01T13:38:00.000Z

The Jedi against the census boys. Source unknown

The universe is a living entity where all things have a connection and affinity with each other. Following a path of peace, altruism, devotion and moderation is good. Giving yourself over to violence, genocide and hatred is evil. Peaceful cohabitation is better than totalitarianism. Sublimating ourselves to the higher power of universal love is the path to true happiness.

Am I describing the Christian faith? Buddhist? Islam? Scientology? Hare Krishna? No, the sentiments listed above are those of the Jedi faith, as outlined in the Star Wars saga. If the recent New Zealand census results are anything to go by, thousands of Australians will be following the suggestion of a widely distributed e-mail to list Jedi as their religion on their census forms. The Australian Bureau of Statistics has chucked a wobbly over the prospect, threatening fines and prosecution for those who dare to raise their lightsabres in defiance of the upcoming information bonanza.
Bollocks to them. The ABS is all bark and no bite. Here's why.

The Christian churches that will dominate in the census numbers base their faith on a book. A Good Book, sure, but just one book.
The Jedi faith, however, is based on more than a hundred books, four films and countless story cassettes, music albums, pillowcases, money boxes,toys, stationery and a vast variety of fashion accessories. If we're comparing Christianity with the Path of the Jedi in terms of source material, Yoda and his brothers win three-fingered hands down.
Your average Jedi follower could recite word-for-word the sayings of Yoda with greater accuracy than most Christians could recite Bible passages.
The Path of the Jedi is known to countless millions. Its teachings do not incite violence or dissent. (No one ever blew up a Belfast school bus;in; the name of Darth Vader. If they had, the telltale scorch marks of a Deathstar ray would give them away.) The Jedi do not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, religion or even species, unlike some. The Jedi Path
is user friendly, modern and free of ethnic rivalries and ancient hatreds. You could argue it's a better religion than most.
So, when the ABS threatens to fine us $1000 for nominating Jedi as our chosen faith, don't believe them.

How would a cross examination of the supposed Jedi unfold?
Q. You claim to believe in The Force. What is that exactly?
A. You might call it God, Allah or L.Ron.

Q. But this "faith" is simply the invention of one man's imagination.
A. Sorry, are you talking about Jesus, Mohammed or Buddha?

Q. Aren't the teachings you claim to follow just part of a cynical
money-making exercise?
A. I'm Jedi, not Catholic.

Q. And what about the ludicrous beliefs of your faith - that humans came from other planets, that they whizzed about in spaceships and conversed
with aliens races?
A. Uh, sorry, that's the government-recognised, non-tax-paying Church of Scientology you're talking about there. Talk about wacky. Besides, Star
Wars is a fiction where spaceships don't whiz - they zoom and whoosh.

And so on. The lawyers advising the ABS to make such silly threats must be laughing all the way to the spaceport. A magistrate must, by law, pre-sume that a defendant who's nominated Jedi as their religion on their census form is telling the truth, until the ABS can prove otherwise.
Given the attributes of the Jedi Path, one could safely argue it is a religion. Any prosecution must be based upon the presumption that the defendant does not believe in the Jedi Path. Good luck with that one. I should come out and say that, as a slightly embarrassed Star Wars fan and duster, hugger and plastic bag-wrapper of reportedly the largest
Star Wars toy collection in Victoria, I will not be nominating my faith as Jedi. While I have a vested financial interest in seeing my anal-retentive treasures transformed into religious artefacts, I find the idea of religious faith a bit square. (As for you other lonely, friendless geeks;> out there, don't bother robbing me, the toys were hidden a long time ago;> in a
warehouse far, far away.)
But there is a deeper issue here, one which will surface in the build-up to census day. As the Jedi shenanigans have shown, the infor-mation age is rife with possibilities for dissent and mischief. It is also a time when private information about all Australians is a source of intense auctioning between market-ing companies. The information to be gathered
by the ABS will be worth millions if it falls into the wrong hands. If you are satisfied that every single one of the people working for the ABS is honest, fine. I am sure they are. If you believe in your heart that your private details, even something as deeply held and precious as your religious faith, are the government's business, terrific. And if the mishaps of the last census collection (hun-dreds of forms lost, stolen;> or found floating in street drains) does not concern you, that's just great. Fill in your form with all the details of your life, content in the belief the information will not be misused, mis-placed or e-mailed to countless millions.
If you are not so sure, you may wish to make other arrangements and risk prosecution.
May the Force be with you.

2001-05-01T10:40:00.000Z

Daft, barmy and reminiscent of Thing from the Addams Familiy, this scuttling hand is a must for scaring the bejeezus out of your friends and co-workers.

2001-04-30T09:53:00.000Z

Pretty chilled out weekend. Had Mum stay over Saturday night, so that put a stop to our S&M fetish party with the neighbours.(joking)
Good news for an employee of mine. I wrote Richard a glowing reference for a Masters degree application. He just found out he was accepted and will start in October. All the best mate :)

2001-04-26T08:27:00.000Z

The famous 'Golden Balls' roundabout.
yeah. doesn't take much to amuse me.

2001-04-24T12:09:00.000Z

Updated UK Weblogs Side Panel Do-dahVery cleva thingybob sits in the search bar. provides entertaining manner to waste your employers time & money.
Not making sense? don't worry. It does.

2001-04-24T11:43:00.000Z

BBC News | EUROPE | German nuclear waste heads for UK I rate this a 10 on the 'that sucks' scale. I just hope the UK protestors are as imaginative as the Germans that cemented themselves to the train lines. (an idea the wife suggested, and then was rather shocked to see the news that night and find out they actually had done it). According to this article the protestors plan to disrupt the journey at several locations, thereby making it cost-prohibitive to send your filthy Nuclear waste elsewhere. Good plan. I hope it works.

This is where the waste will end up, if not impeded. Sellafield

Sellafield does not enjoy a good reputation. Late March 2000 an unknown employee sabotaged equipment. More

and three months later an hidden camera investigation revealed shocking footage of employees watching Pokemon re-runs throughout the night.

No, that bit was not true.

Mark Thomas revealed some nastiness regarding Seagull droppings around Sellafield being radioactive. Please Sir, can I have some More?

2001-04-23T08:10:00.000Z

2000AD - every single cover

2001-04-23T07:52:00.000Z

SeeThru Zine
quality alternative e-cards, with such classy headings:
'congrats on your stunning imcompetence', 'shut up about your fucking car', 'shut up about your fucking diet' and one of the more applicable ones for our office, 'change your fucking ring tone'
link ripped from NTK.net

2001-04-21T17:55:00.000Z

Congratulations to me for my successful installion of dual boot win98/win2k. All is well apart from my crappy win98 USB modem not being supported by the 2k beast, but thats no great loss.

2001-04-20T11:51:00.000Z

Sitting here thinking I must calm down as the staffers are complaining about my constant good mood. bunch of bloody bah-humbuggers! (New at McDonalds - the McBah-humbug)
How can they fail to be happy? It s after all the best day of the working week. Been a really chilled week for me, not so for Rachel as she heard an update on her court case involving the wanker lorry driver (fuck him) who drove straight into her at a roundabout and tried to claim she did to him. The bastard gets the privalge of having the case in his hometown, which means we have to drive Oxford-York just to see this slimebag get his comeuppance. (we hope!)
Ooops. went off on an unplanned rant there. I feel even better now :)

2001-04-19T08:33:00.000Z